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Life, for me, was to be lived to the fullest but with the utmost distrust. The way I saw it, my career was a potential minefield, men were snakes in the grass, and God was a fickle, if not sadistic overseer, controlling the whole operation. And I, having applied that dogma to almost every aspect of my life, was a textbook example. Their lives become a reflection of the dichotomous belief that love is extremely dangerous and the only thing that matters.
#TAROT CARD FIVE POINTS HOW TO#
Because they didn’t learn how to establish that trust in childhood, they nearly always look for someone or something outside themselves to provide it in adulthood. The most urgent desire of a person with anxious attachment style is to know that they’re emotionally safe. Research suggests that adults with anxious attachment style both deeply fear and deeply long for connection and are almost always codependent and insecure. As a result, children are confused about what love is and rarely feel safe. The American Psychological Association defines attachment style as: “The characteristic way people relate to others in the context of intimate relationships, which is heavily influenced by self-worth and interpersonal trust.” Of the four attachment styles (all defined in childhood) anxious attachment is the byproduct of parents who display unpredictable behaviors one minute they soothe an upset child, the next, they rage, the next, they ignore. I would later learn from my therapist that the disproportionate responses I had to typical life challenges were symptomatic of anxious attachment style. I completed the 10-card spread, my bed obscured under a smattering of omens. The first card represented the immediate future, the next, what would be gained, and the third, what would be lost. Which is why, an hour before I began my New Year’s Eve primping, I sat down with The Housewives Tarot and earnestly followed its instructions for a year-ahead spread, placing each card face down in its designated spot, according to the manual’s diagram. At that point, I’d never approached divination with any real measure of intention, but I wasn’t a cynic either. Soon enough, I was again showing up at new moon circles and carrying the black tourmaline crystal a friend gave me to ward off negative energy (couldn’t hurt, I thought). When the psychic surgeon who’d “treated” us as kids appeared on Unsolved Mysteries as a fraud fugitive, it set off a wave of contempt for the metaphysical that was, in the end, short lived. As an adult, I’d vacillated between rejecting those flower child ideologies and experimenting with mysticism. While my friends’ parents carted them to the family physician for stomachaches or fevers, I was placed under a bright green floodlight to soak in the healing power of the color. My childhood was wrought with things like “psychic surgeons” and “crystal healings.” Both my mother and father were artists living hippie-adjacent lifestyles.
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As it happened, I was not this type of woman.